When I really think about it, I don't know if I've ever been happy. Sure I've smiled, laughed, and had good times, but I am referring to being truly unabashedly happy. The kind of happy that we all dream of, which I can honestly only describe as that “5-year-old kid on Christmas” feeling.
It's strange to think about, if I'm being completely candid with you, that I've gone my entire life chasing a feeling that I do not understand. How does one become happy? When are you aware that you've truly made it? I'm not sure. I used to think that of it when it comes to milestones. I'd tell myself again and again “you'll be happy once you're thin” or “you'll be happy once you have friends.” I worked hard and lost 150 Lbs, something that I should be proud of, but still I felt this void. I did not know what happy was, but “surely this can’t be it” I figured.
It was always “you'll be happy when” and “just one more”. I had been always looking forward, treating happiness as something which I would one day deserve rather than something that I owed myself. There was always another milestone or another person to please, and I'm starting to realize that at some point I have to stop adding steps to my master plan.
I'm not a super villain and happiness isn't some priceless artifact that I can just steal. No amount of planning or scheming can force me to be happy, even if I really wish it could. I think I've known this for a while, I'm willing to bet everyone has, but for some reason that didn't stop me from destroying myself trying.
I don't know when or why happiness became something so external. If you think about it, it doesn't make any sense; why would something so internal rely a lot on everything but me? Happiness is about me, and it starts with me. It's so simple, yet I've stubbornly ignored it for so long.
Now I don't want to be cheesy and state that this is my battle cry, but that's totally what it is: I'm not waiting to be happy because the future never comes. There'll always be another milestone, another problem, or any other reason why I don't deserve to be at liberty right now.
I want you to really ask yourself, “why shall we be held waiting to be happy?” I want you to say the words out loud, then take a seat and be honest with yourself. Waiting won't make happiness much better, and we're not just going to magically feel like we deserve it one day. My happiness starts with me, as well as your happiness starts with you.
You're probably thinking, “dude it's not that simple, I can't just be happy” and also you know what? I agree with you. After i started writing this I honestly was clueless that what happiness was. I knew I needed it, but I had no idea how to go about getting there. This piece was an adventure in self reflection; it was my way of taking back the reins and making sense of what I wanted.
As my response to the questions I posed, I offer you this: Happiness is this fire in the human body that helps keep you warm, even if things are rough. It's positivity, which little bit of innocent “5-year-old kid on Christmas” that it's okay to keep alive. You cannot have that fire if you don't light the spark yourself. Yes, you cannot just magically be happy, but waiting won't get you anywhere. Be honest with yourself, take control of your happiness, and kindle your flame. It may be scary, but I promise it will be worth it.
