You sit by the window because the rain falls, pensively drifting from considered to thought, suddenly recalling my absence in your lifetime. It begins as a glimmer of the notion as it scratches your consciousness, but it soon swells through your mind, engulfing your bare heart with its powerful grasp. You blame yourself, wondering if a stray word caused me to disappear from your life, struggling to keep in mind that you imbued my life using the lasting power of togetherness. As your thoughts turn to me and refuse to dissipate, you discover that you miss me.
The truth is, I miss you, too.
The distance between us slowly became comfortable as I fought against my racing heart. I longed to free myself from my own confines, to reminisce along with you, to live alongside you once more, but as my mind grew weary and my soul grew frazzled, I sequestered myself from you. I needed you; your calming presence, your kind heart, your glistening wit, however in my desperation, I abandoned you, leaving you to wonder if you had done wrong.
The truth is, my absence is not your fault.
I've locked myself behind closed doors, refusing to emerge for you personally until I triumph over my racing heart, my damp palms, my knotted stomach. I fear that you will see me at my worst, frantically groping for serenity while you stand by helplessly, wishing you could wrap me inside your arms, feeling powerless to do anything more. But my life behind these four walls, when i remain fearful to connect, terrified to live, has left me awash in comfortable numbness when i struggle to regain the desire to speak again.
I inch closer and closer to you, reaching for your hand, but pulling mine away each time we nearly meet. While you wonder where I've been, faulting yourself in my absence, my heart breaks for you. I wish I could tell you that I am here, screaming in my silence, quietly, powerfully loving you through every step of your journey. I wish I could tell you that I ache to hear your voice again, to bask in your warmth, your security.
The the fact is, I miss you. I long to finally unlock this door to me, let you witness my deepest fears, and truly demonstrate that I love you unconditionally.
